Discipline

Not my favourite subject but have decided it's where I'm at ...and so I am trying to do the lectionary readings daily (thanks to Mark Berry and Way Out West).
This morning's were Psalms 5, 6
1 Kings 1:32 to 2:4; and 2:10 to 12
Acts 13:44 to 14:7

Which reminded me of the lyrics to the Clash's Should I stay or should I go(...if I go there will be trouble, if I stay it will be double). We are called to God's mission and only by following his 'decrees and commands, laws and commandments' (Kings) can we know what we're supposed to be doing but also when it's time to leave it. Often walking away can be seen as defeat but maybe it's a sign of wisdom ... after all Jesus' parables leave room to walk away and here in Acts the apostles do it a number of times. We're called to 'wait in expectation' not 'flog a dead horse' or be 'like a dog with a bone' (to mixe my animal metaphors) and isn't that actually something about respect?!

Lord give us hearts not afraid to persevere but which know the right places to be and the right times to be there, help us walk closely with you so we can feel the difference.

Blogging

I am such a bad blogger - surpassed in lack of posts only by holy joely I think, although now he's a student with all that time on his hands (ha ha) anything could happen!

I have a list of blogs in my head and never seem to write them...

Yoga...I went to yoga on the common and it started a whole can yoga and christianity mix type debate...which got me into something called C4 contextualisation ("May the holy spirit be with you Luke!" - not! But might give you an idea, frantic semantics really!!). I also felt so close to God when doing it I was inspired to start thinking/developing some body prayer (don't worry liturgical dance it is not!!) ideas.

Religion in wider culture...Samsonite have a new range of bags called proverbs...each one has a proverb embossed on it... I have been getting my best spiritual challenges from outside of the church recently and more powerfully than I think anyone from 'within' has ever challenged me...what can we as church learn. On this note Michael Franti! Buy Yell Fire now! A lovely friend bought me a copy after I saw him at GB...wow.

Hear Me and Breath at Greenbelt....an awesome experience.

New term, new dreams....oh and I might be a pluralist.

Letters...one of my best friends wrote me a letter, yes remember those. It was brilliant, I miss them. She also celebrated, yeas celebrated my dinners in response to my previous rather paranoid blog but it felt so good and affirming to read those words...we really should encourage each other more. I feel I have alot of that with these people and am truly grateful!

Oh yeah, and having lunch with John Hurt.....well actually with my husband at the Wolsley (divine) but John was on the next table AND James Elroy was in ther house!!

So much life, so little time.

Roll up, roll up...

Had the most amazing Friday evening experience a couple of weeks ago. Went to the circus!

Wanted to blog straight away but still trying to digest it really. Have never been to one before and to be honest clowns scare the living daylights out of me and don't even get me onto the ethics of performing lions but I am so glad I waited because this was not just any circus this was Gifford's Circus!

It's like toy town with it circle of burgundy panted wagons and it's strings of fairy lights illuminating the big top...the costumes are a riot of colour and texture, with music, singing and stunts of such skill that every now and then you realise you need to breath ...everyone should go!

If ever something delivered what it promised Gifford's is the place...from the perfect candy floss to the wonderful three course meal we had under canvas in the Circus Sauce restaurant complete with Emma Drinkwater (sister of Nell Gifford) pottery and silver candlesticks!!

Heavenly.

Mysterious ways!

So just a day after my culinary paranoia I get an e-mail from my bro, who was with us for two weeks last month...thanking us for our hospitality which he said was "cool" and yes the dinner with the neighbours went so well we're off there for a bar-b-que asap!

Theology?

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black
-he called everyone brother
-he liked gospel
-he couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were equally 3 good arguments that He was Jewish
-He went into his fathers business
-He lived at home until he was 33
-He was shure his mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were equally 3 good arguments that He was Italian
-He talked with His hands
-He had wine with His meals
-He used olive oil

But then there were equally 3 good arguments that He was Californian
-He never cut his hair
-He walked around barefoot all the time
-He started a new religion

But then there were equally 3 good arguments that He was an American Indian
-He was at peace with nature
-He ate a lot of fish
-He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were equally 3 good arguments that He was Irish
-He never got married
-He was always telling stories
-He loved green pastures

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman
-He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
-He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
-And even when He was dead He had to get up because there was work to be done.

Fine dining?!

Ok so we're having friends over to dinner...well neighbours actually and after fretting about whether they'd like what we served or if they'd be allergic to it (having recently caused wicked stepmother a night of agony with undetected dried skimmed milk powder) I finally got some sleep last night.

It's just that recently two comments have been on my mind...a colleague remarked that our home was an 'homage to Conran' and some lovely (and nameless) member of my family said we 'always over complicate things, why can't you just have dinner?!'. This combined with the beautifully, precisely laid table that I came down to this morning had me in a bit of a state that our pasta should be seen as pretentious, our omlettes ostentatious, and our suppers snobbish.

Now I love 'nice things' and 'nice events' and I make no apologies for that but (hopefully) anyone who knows me would say I am nothing but practical (no false nails or stili's for this chick) and really not into doing things just for show but the thought that I have turned my home into some chichi design emporium, where style has overtaken substance is eating me up.

I do however, want the best for those who are kind enough to come and share my home, I want them to have time out, recharge, feel that life is special and yes, maybe feel a little bit spoilt. Even just typing that last statement makes me embarressed, why? Why are we so puritantical at times? I want to be like the woman washing Jesus' feet with perfume, I'm sure when she wasn't watching her purse strings as a responsible kingdom citizen should, she was a cream cake, full fat latte kinda girl! Right?!

Blog browsing!

Found this on the blog I discovered yesterday, www.youthblog.org/2006/05/faithful_cities.html interesting news for those of us trying to discern what the future may hold for youthwork and has got me even more excited about the LCET Schoolswork Conference ...

There is such good stuff out there too, always enjoy www.maybe.org.uk and Jonny Baker has a new site www.dekhomai.co.uk a great bridge to Christian spirituality for those into all things alternative, have already directed friends there and only found it an hour ago...as ever the Grace crew are right on the button.

The only problem is everytime I do a swoop my dreams and my reading wish list get longer!!!

Great new blog!

Found a great new blog whilst looking for something entirely different! It's www.youthblog.org and it's got some great stuff on. Am a bit miffed because the author blogged on Robbie's song Sin, Sin, Sin beating me to it and the awesome Kenda Creasy Dean conference beating me to it! But hey great minds and all that!! As ever with blogs some wheat and chaff depending on whether you know the bloggers identity but some useful info too...'Faithful cities' report and Romance Academy conference dates so check it out!!

What's your seduction style?

So MattA was bragging about his seduction prowess and with fear and trepidation I took the challenge not exactly thinking that my seduction, such as it has been, has any real style, and probably owes more to alcohol than a game plan. But Matt's charisma obviously charmed me into ticking those little boxes,even over the ether and ...I rule!!!! (Or the generators of said test are in the ego building business but...)

If only I'd know this sooner! Only joking Mr Flower!!!

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires. And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek. You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships. It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

So go on try it all you lovely lovers out there! (Sorry all went a bit 70's disco poptastc there mate!)

Wish list

I wish I could blog in a maximum of three paragraphs and wasn't given to rambling, on and on and on and on.

I wish I could produce witty and erudite reviews of arthouse movies or live theatre that really captures the zeitgeist of the moment (or could even use zeitgeist correctly).

I wish misery didn't exist and that it didn't compel me to try and eat my own body weight in chocolate, custard creams or Macdonald's so-called food.

I wish, just sometimes, that I could run away and do something daring or maybe scandelous ...but I never would.

I wish God would hurry up with me so I didn't wish things like the above. But instead dare to live in a more out there way for God.

I wish I could play my guitar without practising or that I practiced.

I wish wine/beer/gin/vodka/champagne wasn't so nice or that non-alcoholic wine/etc was nicer.

I wish I had enough money to develop some amazing barns near my home into an awesome Grand Designs type home and retreat space.

I wish computers didn't hate me.

I wish my friends and I weren't so busy and that we could play more. Growing up sucks.

Oh yeah, and I wish getting old didn't have to mean losing your value to society.

Sabbath

So there I was sitting in bed this sunday morning trying to work out in what order to complete my lengthy list of tasks when I was reminded of two passages I'd looked at this week.

Poet, Kathleen Jamie's book Findings was a gift (in many ways) and is the most incredible book. It makes you feel as though you walk around with your eyes closed and only ever see a fraction of what the world has to offer, let alone find any meaning or purpose in it. It's like she holds a perfectly focused pair of binoculars up to life.

In one chapter, on a visit to Stornoway, she muses about the Sabbath...

A friend said to me - we were talking about our stage in life, when we
suddenly discover we are the grown-ups, with children and parents,
even grand-parents to tend to, not to mention pupils, patients, or
clients or employers - that we spend so much time dealing with it all
that there is scarsely time to feel. I walked up the silent road
wondering is I couldn't reconcile myself again to the idea of the
Sabbath, to the day of dreary silence and mutton broth I'd known as
a child, if we couldn't close the shops and still the traffic and institute a
modern, churchless day of contemplation and rest; and if it wouldn't
help us all.

And in The Godbearing Life the authors pose that we would do well to remember the Sabbath and that the question is 'how' not 'should' we find these spaces in ways appropriate to our time and context.

Godbearers intentionally interupt the scedule with time for
reflection, renewal, and prayer in order to refresh their souls
and reorient themselves Godward .... Sabbath means quit. Stop.
Take a break. Cool it. The word itself has nothing devout or holy
in it. It is a word about time, denoting our nonuse of it; what we
usually call 'wasting time'....As urgently and pasionately as Jesus
preached and lived the kingdom of God, scripture suggests he
honoured the spirit of the sabbath ... often we read about him
going to a quiet place to pray, claiming mini sabbaths along the
arduous road he travelled.

For the authors 'sabbaths' can come in many forms and at many times and have more to do with rythmn breaking and God facing than one day set aside (and definitely not one day set aside for legalities). They are not only silent and still, they include games, noise and fun, above all they are sacred spaces amongst the hustle and bustle of life. Spaces that can 'help frame ordinary places and times and transform them' to refresh our souls.

Lent poem

Left (by definition) to our own devices but never alone.
As a parent holds it's breath at a childs first steps -knowing at some
point it must fall - so you are Father.
Ready to reach out, pull us into your arms, soothe our injured pride
and give us courage to try again.

Alone (He was) hung on the cross for our faults, not His.
The pain was not removed by His being God - though angels
begged to attend - this was His death.
But it was for our weakness, frustration, failure and despair that
He chose such a way of love.


Picture of Jesus by Luc Freymanc, see www.freymanc.com

We're a strange race.

Ok so Gingerkidjoe was commenting about how hard it is to just have a conversation about God...I mused that it was because God had His own specific language and it was hard to segue from "how's the Mrs?" into " Verily, I say unto thee..." (Ok it's not quite that accute). We weren't sure about this but if so, agreed we needed to find new words...I also said it was because it required being honest and maybe vulnerably so but Joe reminded me that wouldn't be talking about God, that would be talking about 'me' and God.

It's wierd because we can so easily sit and go on about, say, how amazing Ben Folds Five are (were?!) and that doesn't seem so hard but how amazing God is ? Just doesn't seem to happen. Maybe it's because we understand so much of God by what he does in our lives and therefore, it becomes hard to seperate the two (the result of a consumerist society? It's all about what God did for me?). Hmmn, who knows? I love GKJ for making us think about these things though...he gave us some great sacred space over retreat too, a time for some 'holy hanging' with the boss...if you read this kid thanks for being brave!

Coming back to an empty house (am widow to a stag weekend!) had me turning to the blogs to feed my people-need and it struck me - on a similar theme- that we just don't ever seem to have 'wider' conversations these days. Perhaps it's just me and those days of sitting up into the wee small hours debating...well, this, that and the other are a distant memory. Perhaps that was part of youthful identity formation that is becoming obsolete as life goes by. Or maybe it's that we're so busy we barely stop for long enough to have the sort of conversations that do much more than scratch the surface.

The wierd thing is that we obviously all want those deeper places reached or we wouldn't baring and sharing our souls on blogs and it's not that we don't want to know what others think because the sheer heart-leaping joy when someone leaves a comment is undeniable.

So one of our challenges on retreat this time was to make space for more sacred moments (and to notice them when they rear their mystical little heads) and perhaps that means more time for real conversation...(us being made in the image of God and all) not heavy, not prying, not a desire for the gory details but just finding out who the people we talk to REALLY are and what they think about. I guess that's going to take practice and maybe even some new language? But who knows what we could learn, we may even get onto God!

It's all downhill after thrity!

So it was my birthday last week and I'm well and truly into my thirities now...which may explain why my birthday presents included a pair of wellington boots and the fact that I'm just about to receive a jumper knitted by ny Mum (pass the vodka!)...This year hasn't started too well, my husband is, as I write, jetting off to Copenhagen without me! This see's the start of us playing ten days of fish feeding tag (like telephone tag but taking turns to be at home keeping the little critters alive!).

Funnily enough it seems God has been speaking to me about balance in my life at the moment. Not least through the brilliant 'Godbearing Life' - our team book this term. And this period of marriage-stretching-craziness seems no exception. The Eddi Reader song 'Simple Soul' seems to have real resonance too. As does a work on 'new monasticism' we're reading as a schools team. But despite best intensions I don't seem to be very good at getting that all illusive rythmn to life.

However, the same message seems to be coming on all fronts (God's used to me being both stubborn and thick!) so maybe I might give it a go. Why is it the things we long for so much are somehow hardest to embrace...take this afternoon for instance, hubby's gone, cash flow is short, the perfect setting for some silence, scripture and solitude but somehow I feel more drawn to taking the telephone and working my way through my address book! Feelings are fickle things.

I even scoured the cinema listing and gig venue programmes but there's nothing doing, perhaps I should take the hint, go light a candle and see...after all with those birthday presents and advancing years maybe cultivating inner beauty IS the way to go!!

A real 'knit' wit!

I have recently bought THE best book.

The purchase resulted from a spell of festive mother and daughter bonding which meant I am now vaguely able to knit . The item in question in Stitch and Bitch by Debbie Stoller and it's hilarious! Taking itslef seriously is one thing it doesn't do with articles as diverse as "Rules of Engagement: or what not to knit for your boyfriend" (apparently anything it will doom the relationship there and then), "Knit Happens or how to make a knit stitch", "Bump and grind" - that's making knit and purl stitches to you! There's all the stuff you need to know to get going, or to make funky projects (I just completed a go-go garter scarf and very fetching it is too, I've already had two people threaten to steal it). Plus there's loads of fun stuff, such as a "Field guide to knitters" - it's good to know the natives.

I also managed to knit myself right into the puritans with a so called 'kitchy kerchief", there's a distinct lack of irony in the one I made, meaning I look more "good life" than funky girl about town but hey I made it I wore it! But only once and in private!! Don't think I'll tackle the wonder woman bikini just yet (it's in there I kid you not!).

The day I bought the book the Evening Standard ran a big article on how knitting is the latest celeb hobby, everyone's doing it darling and apparently this tome is the book to have! Get me I'm hip!!

Now I'm just looking forward to the sequel "The Happy Hooker".

Oh please, it's how to crochet!

School of Rock or Rock the School?

School of Rock were the last act at South Luton High School's Christmas Show and they wished us dedicated audience members (esp in the face of the string quartet - tuning!) a Merry Christmas, Slade style! It was great everyone was singing along and waving in time it was a brilliant outbreak of festive cheer.

But I don't think I will ever forget that night for the way God just continues to astound me. I have been singing with the community choir at school (although a cold kept me off stage last night, croaking was all I was up to) and they are a great group who we have been trying to teach three part harmony and some discipline.

Last week we took them to a local business to sing and they were a real credit to the school, a challenge to recent adverse publicity - well behaved, presentable, bright and enthusiastic. They raised £250 to pay for choir t shirts.

But last night something even more amazing happened. As they sang 'A King Was Born' and got to the bridge, singing about Jesus being Lord, people just started clapping, cheering and dancing and you could feel God's presence so strongly the hair all stood up on the back of my neck...I just burst into tears...there was such joy in that room and joy is not usually a word associated with South Luton.

It made me realise that I limit God, even though I don't think I do, or mean to. I would never have expected that show to be spiritual but it was in spades ... I wonder whether tomorrow's carol service at St Mary's will achieve the same?!

I read an advent blog, the blogger was asking among the hectic Christmas preparations what we were doing for God ... these two things made me think, when God came to earth in an unexpected way why was I surprised to find him in an unexpected place...and if Christmas is his time shouldn't I share some of it with him...

I had to write the closing blessing for tomorrow's service, this is what I came up with...

"Let us learn the messages of Christmas.

Whether we believe the events of that mysterious night, or see it as a story,
it has much to teach us, here in this place…

May we learn from the joy of the angels who sang, even when the world refused to hear.

From the wonder of the shepherds, which lead them to journey even though they were afraid.

From the belief of the kings, who searched until they found you, even though the world said you weren't coming.

And may we learn from the trust of Mary, brave enough to take a risk on you God.

From the love of Joseph, which was big enough to welcome your son into his life.

And from the peace of the Christ-child, come to show us who we are made to be.

From all of these thing may we learn".

May we!

Scientific Proof!

Have just read Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Philosophy.

It is a great book, I know longer feel like a freak thanks to chapters like "How to go to church without getting angry" (although I disagree with his solution but more on that another blog maybe!). I said some huge "Amen's" to his thoughts along the way (obviously silently in my head!), I laughed a lot and was also hugely challenged about a load of stuff I profess to believe and 'give my life' to.

I also recently went to see Pride and Prejudice. Satisyingly, it managed to induce the right level of melancholy in me to ensure an angst-ridden-internal-monologue-on-the woes-of-love, all the way from Milton Keynes to home.

This, despite being a clunky film at best. Kiera Knightly managing to have far too much make-up on in a number of scene's. A colour spectrum ranging from near gothic black and white to almost disney like technicolour, leaving me wondering which genre I was supposed to be in...and a complete lack of Colin Firth, frankly!

So feeling that everyone was entitled to love against the odds and that the world was a beautiful, if tortured, place I was very amused to read chapter 13 of Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller writes...

"Here's a tip I've never used: I understand you can learn a great deal about girldom by reading Pride and Prejudice, and I own a copy but have never read it. I tried. It was given to me by a girl with a little note inside that read: What is in this book is the heart of a woman. I am sure the heart of a woman is pure and lovely but the first chapter of said heart is hopelessly boring. Nobody dies at all. I kept the book on my shelf because girls come into my room, sit on my couch and eye the books on the adjacent shelf. You have a copy of Pride and prejudice, they exclaim with a gentle sigh and smile. Yes, I say. Yes, I do."

I mentioned this to a male friend who said he does the same with Men are from Mars... Women are from Venus. Somewhat going against type, he also claimed to have read it! (Hmmn?!?)

Meanwhile, I saw a postcard in a shop at a London tube station that declared "Men are from earth, Women are from earth...get over it".

Maybe when it comes to matters of love, whatever kind, it is time to get a little less like the movies and a little more real.

Universal Evidence
Originally uploaded by Little-flower.

1st Anniversary

Kieran get's Sam to do his dirty work!
Originally uploaded by Little-flower.

So it was one year yesterday that I joined Luton Churches Education Trust, and what a year! Speaking to 1,000 people, organising art residentials, a commitment service, lessons on capital punishment and numerous assemblies, plus of course summer camp and getting gunged!!

We started the new term thinking about God with a simple communion service, time to focus on the one who brought us to this place and to remind ourselves why we do this work.

One challenge that came out through the worship, was to have this focus on God everyday. It might sound simple but it's so easy to try and manage on our own. Last year was good I had no choice, in at the deep end and I clung to God rather like a frightened child hangs onto a parent in a swimming pool but I have my water-wings now, in fact I can even go short distances without them, and to push the metaphor to death, I'm aware that this knowledge may lead me into dangerous waters!

We sang This Is My Desire as one of our songs which includes the lines ...

Lord, I give You my heart, I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every breath that I take, every moment I'm awake
Have Your way in me.

I wish I was that disciplined. When I prayed last night about all that this year holds Psalm 145 seemed very appropriate ...

One generation will commend your works to another; they will tell of your mighty acts.
They will speak of the glorious splendour of your majesty, and I will meditate on your wonderful works.

There is a much wider age mix at LCET this year which is really exciting and feels like it will make for a really dynamic and challenging environment and the words just reminded me of camp where God spoke to the kids in ways we could not have expected. I really want to 'commend' God but also to listen to what those I work with have to say about Him, I also need to meditate or focus on him 'every moment I'm awake'.

Lets hope I can rise to the challenge!

Left in the lurch by church.

I had a chat to a friend the other week who was musing on the fact that she couldn't bear hypocrisy in the church, how her experience had taught her that was what you got with church. But yet she wanted to know where not being part of a church left her and her faith. Unrecognised? But recognised by God?

Another friend had been forced to leave a job with a Christian organisation after they deemed him to not 'be in the right place with God', they didn't surround him with love, model 'being in the right place with God', disciple him to achieve his best for God and for them. They just judged him to be producing bad fruit and showed him the door.

He is the second friend treated like this by "Christianity", pronouncements made, contracts ended and lives, faiths left bewildered, hurt and angry.

I am blessed to be working for a Christian organisation that seeks to practice God's love,justice and mercy in all it does, it has become for me a church. I have tried to belong to our local village church as I have felt God calling me to be there but like my first friend I don't feel a part of it, I don't find God there and I don't know where it leaves my faith.

Don't get me wrong there are some lovely people there and great people of faith but they seem to be at the edges and joining seems to be a covert mission. The other day I took a friend round for a look at the church and a warden and congregation member were in there doing huge flower arrangements, I presumed for a wedding. They didn't say hello when we entered, I did. When I said "wow, what amazing flowers" they looked up with blank expressions and then carried on with their work, no sound uttered. I felt we were trespassing, I wondered if God feels the same way?!

Bono put it like this " Can you imagine how it feels to believe in Christ and be so uncomfortable with Christianity? The church is an empty, hollow building. The established church is the edifice of Christianity. It's as if the Spirit of God leaves a place, the only things that are left are the pillars of rules and regulations to keep it's roof on. And we are more and more claustrophobic around organised religion". So where does that leave us?

The hypocrisy argument I've always said is a symptom of hypocrisy in our own lives. If 'we' are the church then 'we' bring hypocrisy in and only God changing us can change the church, and you have to be in it to win it, it's not right to sit outside and moan! But where does that leave you on a Sunday morning if you want to practice faith but you can't stand 90minutes of what feels like torture?! It leaves you being a consumer doesn't it , shopping around to find a church that fulfils all your criteria and church isn't about consuming, it's about worshiping. But does worship mean you try and hide who you are, your opinions, your irritations. Does it mean that God accepts rubbish church, so you should? I can't believe that either.

So I don't know what to believe. When a very good friend of mine lost faith recently it wasn't in church that it returned but out walking through fields, being close to God and his creation, feeling the wind of His spirit. But being out there on our own doesn't answer the call to be church with, and for, one another. Whatever it looks like religion needs to be organised to work, so I have no answers but on Sunday I may try to go to the village church for the first time this summer. I will look for God there because I know He is there, who knows I may even find some answers, for myself and for my friends.

Very excited...

...to see, or hear, that BBC Radio 7 are playing On The Hour again, on tuesdays at 11pm. It's a bit late but this radio forerunner to The Day Today is classic. It's especially funny if you've worked on the wireless with a number of technical in-jokes ... still whether or not the digital signal will allow you to hear the subtleties (sp?) of bad tape editing who knows!? Digital, smigital, I'm largely disillusioned but if schedules are going to include shows like this then I'm coming round to the idea but ahh, remember the days of the chinagraph pencil, razor blade and sticky tape....